I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
