She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Boobs speak an international language.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
