i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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