I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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