Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
