So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize