my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
