toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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