You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
