Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just pynch a tree in the face
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
