My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
