he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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