He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
