Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
