my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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