Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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