I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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