i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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