Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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