it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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