Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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