No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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