im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
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You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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