It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
