birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
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