we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
