I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You left your phone here
Wait...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
