so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
