everyone is single if you try hard enough
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
