I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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