dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My penis needs a shock collar
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
