My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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