Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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