If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
