i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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