Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
