How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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