i don't like sucking hair
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
