You smell like a Billy Joel song
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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