Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
