im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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