If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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