you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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