awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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