he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
