Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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