The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
