woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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