I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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