dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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