Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
