im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
