I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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