I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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