ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
